Gnarly People

 No one knows what impacts an individual’s functioning. For example, I'm quiet and shy. But what makes me shy and resistant? My mom was very athletic in high school but I don’t join sports.

 As I think about my children and how they will be in the future, I am unaware of how their personalities will be. My kid could be a doctor or a rebel or the complete opposite of me.

 One thing for sure is that I will not send my children to a Catholic school. I have nothing against the Catholic religion, it’s just reasons from my past experiences.

While in Catholic school, I had a third grade teacher who was addressed as Sister Pat. Due to the strictness, my friend and I would sneak off to the book bag closet, just to listen to our two mutual favorite bands which were Three Bad Jacks and Horror pops. At such an early age, I always found ways around the strictness and orderliness. I did not know what made me want to skip Mass every Friday and our music classes.

 Did parents send us there for better education or to filter the negative influences out of our worlds?

  It has been seven years since I have step foot on the campus but I still communicate with my old friends. They’ll tell me about their parties and concerts. In my mind I wonder if their parents know, but of course not. Catholic schools charged 5,000 dollars per year to protect the minds of the students by making sure they attend church every week and say the Apostles ’ Creed two times a day.

The gnarliest friends  that I have met attended the same Catholic school. To me they seem to have no limits, if a crazy idea pops inside their brain then they will do it, like kick flipping off of a building and bombing hills in high heels. Most of them have been arrested at least once. 

 I listen to the stories knowing the feelings they felt, the feeling of the adrenaline rush that fills their heart while they sneak around. Perhaps they are foreign to the feeling of being trusted. But it took a while for me to get used to the feeling of being trusted and being able to do whatever I wanted to do.

 Imagine the feeling of not being trusted by your teachers and parents. A community where everyone is in uniforms and pedestrian. Having to sit through Mass to make sure you do everything in life correct. I would go nuts too, at least I did while I was there.  

 In order for someone to listen and be faithful to you is based on how you treat them. You can’t expect your child to obey you if you won’t let them out of your sight. It’s such a controversial topic. 

Feelings are Temporary

There’s a first for everything. I was introduced to hurt and sadness at a very early age. It’s common for a girl's first heart break to be by a boyfriend. However my first heart break, I wasn't aware of it during the time, but reminiscing my first heart break happened when I was nine months old.

 At nine months, we are not aware of feelings but as I got older I put the puzzles together of why it is so hard for me to put my trust into others, but maybe it was because of the feeling of being abandoned by my biological father for 13 years.

              When I was little, my mom had only one picture of my father. Very frequently I would peak at that picture and wonder what his name was and where he was at. When I began to get older I only looked at the picture when I accidentally encountered it, I began to feel hatred and anger for the first time. After years of studying this picture, I am certain I saw that guy at Romo’s, pain filled my heart because he did not recognize me, his own daughter who did not only inherit his genes but his last name as well.  

How could someone hurt my mom like how he did? I first encountered loneliness when I would look into just look through my mom's eyes. I could see a broken person while she kissed us to sleep then after going to big bed just for herself to sleep in.

 It wasn't until I was 13, when my mom introduced us to a coworker of hers. I remember the first time being introduced to James, I was angry and hurt. Why such strong negative feelings? I still don’t know how I was so selfish in that moment.

 My mom told me recently a story of when she first introduced him to us, before she walked into the door she was nervous and asked him what if one her children doesn’t like him, and he replied, "it’s okay, I'll give them time." my mom knew us very well, she was only person we could cry to and be ourselves with. She was right about us not liking him. There were nights where I couldn’t stand his presence in our house.

              I remember the night when I first began approving him. Ever since that night, he has always had our backs even to keep us out of trouble with our mom. People began calling him my father. I frequently got, "where is your dad?" or "here give this to your dad." during those times, the idea of having a dad was still fresh and strange.

 As years processed, I never thought I would be a "daddy’s girl". James opened numerous doors of new things to me like mechanical work and construction. He is the person who takes care of my dogs while I'm at school.

              It’s crazy to think about how he knows more about me than my biological dad ever will. He knows my favorite place to eat is Wendy’s and the type of music I prefer is "hippy music", his words.

Whenever I look in my mom’s eyes I now see happiness. When I say goodnight to her she is no longer sleeping in that same bed alone, and that makes my heart happy.

James is the first male I put my trust into. Because it takes a lot of courage for an individual to take care of someone else's kids as his own.

 He has taught me that it is okay to trust people. Also that it is important to go through life being kind even if people doesn't treat you the same. The most important lesson he taught me is that the feeling of being unwanted is only temporary because you will mean the world to someone else.

It is Not Mean to Talk Loud

              Staying away from home was not my decision. My mother had this plan all along that once I promoted from eighth grade, I was going to transfer to Holbrook. 

After my first day of high school and being in the dorm, I ended up crying for three hours straight. I went from being home and having friends every day to being two hours away and scared to talk to new people. 

Eventually, I got used to being away from home. The person who was there for me all four years was my grandma who works at the dorm. She’s my grandma by clan which means her grandma was my great grandma’s sister.

My grandma always prevented me from getting in trouble, and always knew when I was having a hard time. 

However, I noticed girls would make fun of her. If she was would try to yell at a disrespectful student they would laugh at her face. I ended up being known as a “mean” girl for stepping up for my grandma, whenever someone would disrespect her in front of me.

I would spend some nights talking to her and of course I am not fluent in Navajo but she would talk nonstop in Navajo. There was one story that broke my heart; it was about her being born without an eardrum in her right side, and because of that her mother always told her education was not important for her, particularly. Her mother constantly told her to herd the sheep and to take care of her siblings which caused her to never graduate from high school. 

In the end of the story, she stated that she was embarrassed not being able to hear what girls say or ask her for. I noticed that girls in the dorm laugh at her illiteracy whenever she tried to ask them to do something, unaware that her mom discouraged her to be educated. Girls will rudely yell at her when she has to ask them to repeat what they said, not knowing she can’t hear in the ear they’re talking near.

She’s my favorite person here. There are days when I will not want to mop the floors but she would come in my room saying, “where’s my granddaughter?” Also making me promise her that I will mop. Some days, I will get annoyed but I remember she is trying to prepare me for my solo trip into the world. 

It’s hard seeing my grandma get laughed and yelled at because she really just wants all of us to get educated and to be great human beings. 

Navajos were always raised to respect our elders. However, it seems like more people are starting to neglect them. First of the months are the days when the elders get paid, but those are the days where the younger Navajos go crazy by using the money their grandparents get. People will laugh at their grandparents because the world has changed drastically ever since they were our age but the younger generations don’t try to see it in that perspective.

Respecting elders and everyone is a great lesson to learn and to teach throughout life. I highly respect the people who give up their seats and coats for the older generations.