Awkwardness

Everyone has been through A LOT of awkward moments. Whether it’s talking to a stranger mistaking them for someone else or talking to someone you like. All of us has experienced the dreadful experiences. We all react differently in these situations, some may turn red or begin to sweat. Some of us may be screaming in our heads and thinking about what your best friend will say to what you just experienced.

To me, introductions have always been awkward, even when I don’t want them be. A friend introducing me to their friend. I will say hi with a smile also depending on the distance between us, I will either shake their hand or wave. The remaining of the time I am silent and will only talk to my friend because that is the person I am comfortable with. I don’t mean to be “shady” that is just me. I have experienced these moments too many times to count. But there are times, if I am lucky, that my friend and their friend and I are comfortable with each other, if the introductions are done properly.

Being introduced to parents is another level of awkwardness. I haven’t met too many parents.

The day I meet a boyfriend’s parents will probably give me a heart attack.

However, that day almost happened. Although, he is not a boyfriend but however we do have interest in each others.

Spending the day alone with him never contained an awkward second. Until, his mom was on her way to meet him, I was scared already. I did not show my nervousness but when she came, I was screaming in my head, “ohh myy goshh!”

I was expecting him to say, “This is my friend, Peyton.” Five minutes passed and those words never came out of his mouth. I was standing there trying not to make it noticeable that a human being named Peyton was standing there at all. And it worked!

His mother never acknowledged me and he never told her my name. I called my mom panicking asking what I should do and she told me to introduce myself and gave me a count down. Four… three… two… I hung up… one… I was standing next to my friend in front of his mom. About to have the word hello roll off my tongue, my friend stood in front of me! He’s a foot taller than me so once he shielded me, I was completely hidden from the world or at least from his world, which is his mother.

I walked off because I was embarrassed enough from all of the awkwardness. My brain that is able to analyze anything could not analyze what had happened.

The next day a different friend came over. I answered the door and as he walked in, I introduced him to my dad and mom. After they shook hands, he talked to them endlessly and about everything. In that moment, I realized that introductions are always the important key to avoid awkward situations.

Independent

Applying to colleges is one thing but actually getting the money is another. All this stress is actually going towards the more stress you will have when you are actually in college. 

Some days I want to continue striving towards my dream college. The next day i want to go to an art school. However most days i want to get married so I will not have to rely on myself.

Getting married right away is what I really want deep down. I could watch Lifetime movies all day while I raise my children. I would have time to learn new hobbies and become a better cook. Our house will forever be spotless. When my parents come over they will see only how good of a mother/wife I am. 

Even though I really want to get married and start a family after high school, I know I would feel guilty of cutting my dreams short. After seeing my mother struggle raising my siblings and I by herself that was when I first saw how valuable and important education is. She has a master’s from ASU and when my dad left us with nothing she still managed to get us things we needed and most times things we wanted. 

There were a lot of times when we would return home in the evenings when there would be no hot water or electricity because of the lack of bills. Those nights all four of us including my mom would lie in the same bed and keep each other warm. I could not be mad at her for having to take a cold shower because on top of our school tuitions she also had to pay her bills for the water, electricity, truck, house, cable, phone, and our food and school uniforms. 

My mom planned an eternity life with my dad, however his plans changed. This taught me that you could never be too dependent on a person in your life. Although I would love to get married to skip out of college, I want to be independent. I also want people, possibly my kids, to be dependent on me. You can never be too dependent on someone because plans changed whether you don't want them too. 

Recharging

When I was little I would come to a far town in Nevada and sit by the Colorado river and see people jet ski up and down the river. Years passed, I had my first boyfriend and I was sitting my the same part of Colorado River watching the people have fun on the little machines.
People had to be 18 or over to ride the machines and I did not know that till the day before I was actually going to be 18. my mom and her friend took my sister and I jet skiing. After so many years, it was finally my turn to go up and down the river.
we all had to sign the paper written besides it was our age. On top it said, "if under 18 years of age have your parent or guardians sign next to your name". I thought to myself that after that day my mother will never have to sign for me on anything. I can finally do things on my own.
However, I was still able to drive on the river. But i would get hypnotized by the currents and almost flip my sister and I upside in the water. The water would be normally freezing to me but the excitement of being on the jet skis made the water not seem as bad.
The hours spent of going up and down the river was spectacular that it went by too fast. I did not even notice at that moment on how sunburnt I was getting or how hot it was in the Sorian Desert.
In that moment I truly enjoyed myself. I let my thoughts and emotions go, there wasn't a worry in the world. After that day my soul and mind felt recharged and balanced. I think it is important for everyone to get days like this one every once in a while, to recharge themselves.

After Death Comes Life

Only few experience a loss so great, one that rips everything out and lets you figure out what's important. This will create a beautiful soul.

 I was too tired to eat, too tired to breathe, too tired to deal with all of the tragedies, but I was too scared to sleep.  Dark circles began to cradle my eyes, but each day I fooled myself to live this mundane life with my fractured smiles. People tell me to keep on moving but it’s so hard moving, because it aches without him. 

 The only person I wanted to cry about Nick’s death was Nick. I felt hopeless. I felt as if I was in a terrible nightmare. Nothing seemed real. I prayed to be woken up. I prayed for him to come back.

 My whole world was ripped apart it seemed. Everything I planned was now gone. My best friend was gone. 

I began to play the “what if” game in my thoughts. Once you let it in, it can consume you. I was not so much exhausted with the process of grief, but more about how busy my mind had become with everything but that.

 I would lie awake at night going over and over how, why, or what if. I became obsessed, convinced that if I worked out how, I could change that day, I could somehow bring him back.

Months passed and I felt as if I was forgetting Nick. I began to feel guilty for forgetting how his voice sounded and how his hugs felt. When I feel like this, I get sad without even knowing, then I will space out a lot because it feels like a nightmare all over. It’s the same exact feeling when I first find out that the guy I love died and when I had to sit through his funeral trying to tell myself that everything was going to be fine. Then I think about the nights when we would skate and eat burgers at Lotaburger or the times we would spend in front of my house, listening to music, and talking for hours. 

Instead of the pain decreasing, it was increasing. I wanted to be selfish. I did not want Nick to be heaven because I wanted him to be down here with me. My mom would return home to only see me crying on the front porch, then she noticed only how broken I was. She began to spend more days with me. That was when my healing began.

A couple months passed I was able to smile again and laugh. I began to notice how lucky I was to have a mother who loved me very much and who would cry with me. A mother who taught me to have peace within myself and with the world. My family continuously held my hand throughout my pain.

 I began to make new friends. Good people who are always keeping me out of trouble and who teach me to be kinder. They also know how difficult it is for me to be alone ever since I lost Nick, so they are constantly by my side.  

 I began to notice that everyone's life is a gift and should never be taken for granted. It’s hard to have peace with everyone but I try to be content with everyone. I began looking at them as people who have been hurt or are hurting. I became more selfless and more open hearted.

In accepting Nick’s death, I found peace and hope in my heart. Dealing with the loss of someone you love, it is good to practice stillness every day, become aware of your thoughts coming in and out. Allow yourself to be sad, but also allow yourself to be happy. It is the greatest gift you can give back to your loved one who is gone.