Infinite Lessons

My mom has recommended books to me since i was little. Reading was always something I enjoyed. I could sit hours reading a book that I deeply connect with. This year in AP English, Mrs. Caffey did expose to us what good literature is, and that is when the author's words relate to you in all possible ways.

One day my mom brought home a book for me. The Perks of Being a Wallflower is a book that makes you feel like you’ve lost a piece of yourself once you finish it. But at the same time you come out of the book as a new person that has learned so much about yourself and the world around you.

If you haven’t heard about The Perks of Being a Wallflower, it is a story about Charlie, a boy entering high school. He is innocent but damaged. He is socially awkward and naïve; he enjoys listening to odd bands; and he loves literature. The whole book is a combination of letters he writes to an anonymous person to convey his thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Charlie is a very relatable character to every teenager that has ever experienced pain, confusion, and trouble with self-discovery. The reader feels like they are one with Charlie, they feel joy when he feels joy, and cry when he's sad. Through Charlie’s experiences we all learn about ourselves and about the people around us, with great quotes and an amazing story, it’s quite impossible not to be effected by this book.

“So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” 

This quote from the book is the definition of hope, people who come from dysfunctional lives don't have to take it negatively. This quote shows us that we should first of all accept who we are and the fact that we don’t get to choose where we come from. This thought sometimes makes people feel powerless, like they have no control over their lives.  However, we do have the power and ability to change our lives and choose what to do with it. I think the most important aspects of this quote is that it is a great feeling to know that you are your own person and you have the power to the limitless possibilities. This quote teaches us to look at things from a different perspective, it’s simple but effective; we have the power to do anything and go anywhere no matter where we are now and what we’ve been through.

“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.”

It’s okay to feel sad. We are raised in a society where they teach us that feeling bad is not okay, but that isn’t true, everyone has their bad days and it’s okay to feel sad and let yourself cry. We should never feel like we are bad people because of the things that make us feel sad, even while some people are having it worse. People are constantly hearing the words ‘many people have it worse.’ which causes us to be tricked into believing that we shouldn’t feel down. it is true that whatever you may be going through, someone out there is going through something worse, but don’t confuse feeling bad with not being grateful. They are two complete different things that people associate with one another. Be grateful for what you have but know that feeling upset is absolutely fine, it’s something natural and never apologize or feel bad for the things that make you

This book has done wonders to my soul and my thoughts. Everyone will have their struggles but it's important to endure strength and optimism to get through it. Most importantly, books hold infinite lessons inside them. Throughout life, you write your own book as you go.

Differences Aren't Major

 
I grew up going to Christian schools and going to church. My mom and most of her side of the family is Baptist, so I am fond of saying that I got a dose of guilt growing up.
 I only remember bits and pieces from church. I mean, I haven’t stepped foot inside of one since I was 13 years old. I remember going to Sunday school, and not knowing what anyone was talking about. I remember my mom giving me a hymnal to use as a flat surface so I could draw on the back of the program during particularly boring sermons. I remember liking choir and all the activities I got to do with my friends. I remember liking all the pastors and thinking they were good people. I remember singing, and I even remember some hymns. I remember getting going to breakfast before church every Sunday. I remember being confused why kids in my group acted one way at church and a completely different way at school.
Bits and pieces.
 Going to church wasn’t something I loved as a kid, it wasn’t some place I necessarily wanted to go, it was just the routine. I never thought to ask if it was negotiable.
 I was a pretty sheltered kid. I didn’t know a lot about what was going on in the world, or really, outside of my own backyard, nor did I care. I didn’t have the mental capacity to take in much other than school, MTV, church, chores, activities, repeat. That was my life as I knew it, just a series of nouns. Don’t get me wrong, I had a fantastic childhood! I got to go on trips with my family, and I’ve been fortunate enough to see and do a lot of things in my life so far, I look back on my childhood very fondly. But the day-in-day-out was rote, and church was just a part of it.
 I remember one time, during a sermon, I was sitting next to a kid that went to my school, but I didn’t know him, he had come with a friend. I knew he lived in the foster home that existed somewhere in town. What I knew of foster care, I got from the movie Angels in the Outfield… did I mention I was sheltered? The pastor asked us to bow our heads in prayer. During the prayer, I peeked over at him. He didn’t have his head bowed, his head was straight forward and his eyes were open. After the prayer, I asked him why he didn’t pray.
I remember he told me, “I don’t believe in God,” and my mind immediately started racing.
I was shocked. That rocked my worldview big time.
I didn’t know what to say, so I just said, “What do you mean you don’t believe in God?” Everyone I knew believed in God. I knew no one that was different from me, and I had never met a single person that didn’t believe in the exact same things until that moment. He said, “I’m already on the bus to hell.” And later we went up to the altar and prayed for him to be saved.
 That day I discovered that I had built up a confirmation bias. I had surrounded myself with too many like-minded individuals for too long, and I was unknowledgeable about a great number of things, so I started researching.
 Around 13 years old I started getting more heavily involved in skateboarding and stopped going to church regularly. 
 My parents are still believers, as far as I know, we don’t really talk about it much. My brother and my sister were with me, I think they tend to lean towards my view.
Sometimes I do miss the community that came with belonging to a church, but I’ve never cared about any religion enough to really belong to it. I always just went to church to keep everyone happy.
 I live in the Bible-belt. I coexist with Christians all the time. I consider myself a kind person. I try to be good. I use most of the ten commandments in everyday life and I get along just fine with most people. I don’t dislike religion, or religious people. I think everyone should be allowed to believe whatever they want.
Unfortunately, I know far too many deeply religious people that alienate those outside of their own belief system, which is about the only thing I cannot abide.
It’s true that there are some that are more inclusive, more welcoming of others that have different points of view, different lifestyles, different sexualities, and those are the people I love being around. But being a freethinker, whatever you want to label it as, does not have anything to do with how I lead my life. My lack of fidelity to religion does not make me a bad person, on the contrary, I think it makes me more open to possibilities.
However, I do make mistakes and when i do i ask for forgiveness. Even though I don't go to church every week, I still believe. I pray on my best and worse days. I pray when i miss my friends and family. When a friend is sad, I motivate them to pray. It's okay if people don't believe in what you do.

Gnarly People

 No one knows what impacts an individual’s functioning. For example, I'm quiet and shy. But what makes me shy and resistant? My mom was very athletic in high school but I don’t join sports.

 As I think about my children and how they will be in the future, I am unaware of how their personalities will be. My kid could be a doctor or a rebel or the complete opposite of me.

 One thing for sure is that I will not send my children to a Catholic school. I have nothing against the Catholic religion, it’s just reasons from my past experiences.

While in Catholic school, I had a third grade teacher who was addressed as Sister Pat. Due to the strictness, my friend and I would sneak off to the book bag closet, just to listen to our two mutual favorite bands which were Three Bad Jacks and Horror pops. At such an early age, I always found ways around the strictness and orderliness. I did not know what made me want to skip Mass every Friday and our music classes.

 Did parents send us there for better education or to filter the negative influences out of our worlds?

  It has been seven years since I have step foot on the campus but I still communicate with my old friends. They’ll tell me about their parties and concerts. In my mind I wonder if their parents know, but of course not. Catholic schools charged 5,000 dollars per year to protect the minds of the students by making sure they attend church every week and say the Apostles ’ Creed two times a day.

The gnarliest friends  that I have met attended the same Catholic school. To me they seem to have no limits, if a crazy idea pops inside their brain then they will do it, like kick flipping off of a building and bombing hills in high heels. Most of them have been arrested at least once. 

 I listen to the stories knowing the feelings they felt, the feeling of the adrenaline rush that fills their heart while they sneak around. Perhaps they are foreign to the feeling of being trusted. But it took a while for me to get used to the feeling of being trusted and being able to do whatever I wanted to do.

 Imagine the feeling of not being trusted by your teachers and parents. A community where everyone is in uniforms and pedestrian. Having to sit through Mass to make sure you do everything in life correct. I would go nuts too, at least I did while I was there.  

 In order for someone to listen and be faithful to you is based on how you treat them. You can’t expect your child to obey you if you won’t let them out of your sight. It’s such a controversial topic. 

Feelings are Temporary

There’s a first for everything. I was introduced to hurt and sadness at a very early age. It’s common for a girl's first heart break to be by a boyfriend. However my first heart break, I wasn't aware of it during the time, but reminiscing my first heart break happened when I was nine months old.

 At nine months, we are not aware of feelings but as I got older I put the puzzles together of why it is so hard for me to put my trust into others, but maybe it was because of the feeling of being abandoned by my biological father for 13 years.

              When I was little, my mom had only one picture of my father. Very frequently I would peak at that picture and wonder what his name was and where he was at. When I began to get older I only looked at the picture when I accidentally encountered it, I began to feel hatred and anger for the first time. After years of studying this picture, I am certain I saw that guy at Romo’s, pain filled my heart because he did not recognize me, his own daughter who did not only inherit his genes but his last name as well.  

How could someone hurt my mom like how he did? I first encountered loneliness when I would look into just look through my mom's eyes. I could see a broken person while she kissed us to sleep then after going to big bed just for herself to sleep in.

 It wasn't until I was 13, when my mom introduced us to a coworker of hers. I remember the first time being introduced to James, I was angry and hurt. Why such strong negative feelings? I still don’t know how I was so selfish in that moment.

 My mom told me recently a story of when she first introduced him to us, before she walked into the door she was nervous and asked him what if one her children doesn’t like him, and he replied, "it’s okay, I'll give them time." my mom knew us very well, she was only person we could cry to and be ourselves with. She was right about us not liking him. There were nights where I couldn’t stand his presence in our house.

              I remember the night when I first began approving him. Ever since that night, he has always had our backs even to keep us out of trouble with our mom. People began calling him my father. I frequently got, "where is your dad?" or "here give this to your dad." during those times, the idea of having a dad was still fresh and strange.

 As years processed, I never thought I would be a "daddy’s girl". James opened numerous doors of new things to me like mechanical work and construction. He is the person who takes care of my dogs while I'm at school.

              It’s crazy to think about how he knows more about me than my biological dad ever will. He knows my favorite place to eat is Wendy’s and the type of music I prefer is "hippy music", his words.

Whenever I look in my mom’s eyes I now see happiness. When I say goodnight to her she is no longer sleeping in that same bed alone, and that makes my heart happy.

James is the first male I put my trust into. Because it takes a lot of courage for an individual to take care of someone else's kids as his own.

 He has taught me that it is okay to trust people. Also that it is important to go through life being kind even if people doesn't treat you the same. The most important lesson he taught me is that the feeling of being unwanted is only temporary because you will mean the world to someone else.

It is Not Mean to Talk Loud

              Staying away from home was not my decision. My mother had this plan all along that once I promoted from eighth grade, I was going to transfer to Holbrook. 

After my first day of high school and being in the dorm, I ended up crying for three hours straight. I went from being home and having friends every day to being two hours away and scared to talk to new people. 

Eventually, I got used to being away from home. The person who was there for me all four years was my grandma who works at the dorm. She’s my grandma by clan which means her grandma was my great grandma’s sister.

My grandma always prevented me from getting in trouble, and always knew when I was having a hard time. 

However, I noticed girls would make fun of her. If she was would try to yell at a disrespectful student they would laugh at her face. I ended up being known as a “mean” girl for stepping up for my grandma, whenever someone would disrespect her in front of me.

I would spend some nights talking to her and of course I am not fluent in Navajo but she would talk nonstop in Navajo. There was one story that broke my heart; it was about her being born without an eardrum in her right side, and because of that her mother always told her education was not important for her, particularly. Her mother constantly told her to herd the sheep and to take care of her siblings which caused her to never graduate from high school. 

In the end of the story, she stated that she was embarrassed not being able to hear what girls say or ask her for. I noticed that girls in the dorm laugh at her illiteracy whenever she tried to ask them to do something, unaware that her mom discouraged her to be educated. Girls will rudely yell at her when she has to ask them to repeat what they said, not knowing she can’t hear in the ear they’re talking near.

She’s my favorite person here. There are days when I will not want to mop the floors but she would come in my room saying, “where’s my granddaughter?” Also making me promise her that I will mop. Some days, I will get annoyed but I remember she is trying to prepare me for my solo trip into the world. 

It’s hard seeing my grandma get laughed and yelled at because she really just wants all of us to get educated and to be great human beings. 

Navajos were always raised to respect our elders. However, it seems like more people are starting to neglect them. First of the months are the days when the elders get paid, but those are the days where the younger Navajos go crazy by using the money their grandparents get. People will laugh at their grandparents because the world has changed drastically ever since they were our age but the younger generations don’t try to see it in that perspective.

Respecting elders and everyone is a great lesson to learn and to teach throughout life. I highly respect the people who give up their seats and coats for the older generations. 

Awkwardness

Everyone has been through A LOT of awkward moments. Whether it’s talking to a stranger mistaking them for someone else or talking to someone you like. All of us has experienced the dreadful experiences. We all react differently in these situations, some may turn red or begin to sweat. Some of us may be screaming in our heads and thinking about what your best friend will say to what you just experienced.

To me, introductions have always been awkward, even when I don’t want them be. A friend introducing me to their friend. I will say hi with a smile also depending on the distance between us, I will either shake their hand or wave. The remaining of the time I am silent and will only talk to my friend because that is the person I am comfortable with. I don’t mean to be “shady” that is just me. I have experienced these moments too many times to count. But there are times, if I am lucky, that my friend and their friend and I are comfortable with each other, if the introductions are done properly.

Being introduced to parents is another level of awkwardness. I haven’t met too many parents.

The day I meet a boyfriend’s parents will probably give me a heart attack.

However, that day almost happened. Although, he is not a boyfriend but however we do have interest in each others.

Spending the day alone with him never contained an awkward second. Until, his mom was on her way to meet him, I was scared already. I did not show my nervousness but when she came, I was screaming in my head, “ohh myy goshh!”

I was expecting him to say, “This is my friend, Peyton.” Five minutes passed and those words never came out of his mouth. I was standing there trying not to make it noticeable that a human being named Peyton was standing there at all. And it worked!

His mother never acknowledged me and he never told her my name. I called my mom panicking asking what I should do and she told me to introduce myself and gave me a count down. Four… three… two… I hung up… one… I was standing next to my friend in front of his mom. About to have the word hello roll off my tongue, my friend stood in front of me! He’s a foot taller than me so once he shielded me, I was completely hidden from the world or at least from his world, which is his mother.

I walked off because I was embarrassed enough from all of the awkwardness. My brain that is able to analyze anything could not analyze what had happened.

The next day a different friend came over. I answered the door and as he walked in, I introduced him to my dad and mom. After they shook hands, he talked to them endlessly and about everything. In that moment, I realized that introductions are always the important key to avoid awkward situations.

Independent

Applying to colleges is one thing but actually getting the money is another. All this stress is actually going towards the more stress you will have when you are actually in college. 

Some days I want to continue striving towards my dream college. The next day i want to go to an art school. However most days i want to get married so I will not have to rely on myself.

Getting married right away is what I really want deep down. I could watch Lifetime movies all day while I raise my children. I would have time to learn new hobbies and become a better cook. Our house will forever be spotless. When my parents come over they will see only how good of a mother/wife I am. 

Even though I really want to get married and start a family after high school, I know I would feel guilty of cutting my dreams short. After seeing my mother struggle raising my siblings and I by herself that was when I first saw how valuable and important education is. She has a master’s from ASU and when my dad left us with nothing she still managed to get us things we needed and most times things we wanted. 

There were a lot of times when we would return home in the evenings when there would be no hot water or electricity because of the lack of bills. Those nights all four of us including my mom would lie in the same bed and keep each other warm. I could not be mad at her for having to take a cold shower because on top of our school tuitions she also had to pay her bills for the water, electricity, truck, house, cable, phone, and our food and school uniforms. 

My mom planned an eternity life with my dad, however his plans changed. This taught me that you could never be too dependent on a person in your life. Although I would love to get married to skip out of college, I want to be independent. I also want people, possibly my kids, to be dependent on me. You can never be too dependent on someone because plans changed whether you don't want them too. 

Recharging

When I was little I would come to a far town in Nevada and sit by the Colorado river and see people jet ski up and down the river. Years passed, I had my first boyfriend and I was sitting my the same part of Colorado River watching the people have fun on the little machines.
People had to be 18 or over to ride the machines and I did not know that till the day before I was actually going to be 18. my mom and her friend took my sister and I jet skiing. After so many years, it was finally my turn to go up and down the river.
we all had to sign the paper written besides it was our age. On top it said, "if under 18 years of age have your parent or guardians sign next to your name". I thought to myself that after that day my mother will never have to sign for me on anything. I can finally do things on my own.
However, I was still able to drive on the river. But i would get hypnotized by the currents and almost flip my sister and I upside in the water. The water would be normally freezing to me but the excitement of being on the jet skis made the water not seem as bad.
The hours spent of going up and down the river was spectacular that it went by too fast. I did not even notice at that moment on how sunburnt I was getting or how hot it was in the Sorian Desert.
In that moment I truly enjoyed myself. I let my thoughts and emotions go, there wasn't a worry in the world. After that day my soul and mind felt recharged and balanced. I think it is important for everyone to get days like this one every once in a while, to recharge themselves.

After Death Comes Life

Only few experience a loss so great, one that rips everything out and lets you figure out what's important. This will create a beautiful soul.

 I was too tired to eat, too tired to breathe, too tired to deal with all of the tragedies, but I was too scared to sleep.  Dark circles began to cradle my eyes, but each day I fooled myself to live this mundane life with my fractured smiles. People tell me to keep on moving but it’s so hard moving, because it aches without him. 

 The only person I wanted to cry about Nick’s death was Nick. I felt hopeless. I felt as if I was in a terrible nightmare. Nothing seemed real. I prayed to be woken up. I prayed for him to come back.

 My whole world was ripped apart it seemed. Everything I planned was now gone. My best friend was gone. 

I began to play the “what if” game in my thoughts. Once you let it in, it can consume you. I was not so much exhausted with the process of grief, but more about how busy my mind had become with everything but that.

 I would lie awake at night going over and over how, why, or what if. I became obsessed, convinced that if I worked out how, I could change that day, I could somehow bring him back.

Months passed and I felt as if I was forgetting Nick. I began to feel guilty for forgetting how his voice sounded and how his hugs felt. When I feel like this, I get sad without even knowing, then I will space out a lot because it feels like a nightmare all over. It’s the same exact feeling when I first find out that the guy I love died and when I had to sit through his funeral trying to tell myself that everything was going to be fine. Then I think about the nights when we would skate and eat burgers at Lotaburger or the times we would spend in front of my house, listening to music, and talking for hours. 

Instead of the pain decreasing, it was increasing. I wanted to be selfish. I did not want Nick to be heaven because I wanted him to be down here with me. My mom would return home to only see me crying on the front porch, then she noticed only how broken I was. She began to spend more days with me. That was when my healing began.

A couple months passed I was able to smile again and laugh. I began to notice how lucky I was to have a mother who loved me very much and who would cry with me. A mother who taught me to have peace within myself and with the world. My family continuously held my hand throughout my pain.

 I began to make new friends. Good people who are always keeping me out of trouble and who teach me to be kinder. They also know how difficult it is for me to be alone ever since I lost Nick, so they are constantly by my side.  

 I began to notice that everyone's life is a gift and should never be taken for granted. It’s hard to have peace with everyone but I try to be content with everyone. I began looking at them as people who have been hurt or are hurting. I became more selfless and more open hearted.

In accepting Nick’s death, I found peace and hope in my heart. Dealing with the loss of someone you love, it is good to practice stillness every day, become aware of your thoughts coming in and out. Allow yourself to be sad, but also allow yourself to be happy. It is the greatest gift you can give back to your loved one who is gone.

Blog Week One

For Valentine's Day instead of getting flowers and chocolates, I received a FitBit. A FitBit is a watch that tracks the number of steps you take, your heartrate, miles you walk, calories you burn, and the stairs you walk up. It is said 10,000 steps a day is good for your heart which makes you less likely to have a heart attack. So each day I am given a goal to walk 10,000 steps or more.
My pre-Fitbit days used to go something like this, wake up half asleep while wondering when I can sleep again, also brushing my teeth. But now I wake up and think about what I can do so I can complete my 10,000 steps. Whether it is walking around brushing my teeth or taking my dogs on a walk.
My first day of my new goal was Valentine's Day. That morning my friend came to my house, half asleep but we planned the night before to go for a hike. We were both constantly yawning while walking. Instead of him being a motivator, only 200 steps in he persuaded me to allow us to turn around and go during a different time. I managed to get 8,000 steps by cleaning and going grocery shopping with my mom. However by 8 pm I noticed I was 2,000 steps behind. I got my dog Chowder on a leash and decided to walk her around the neighborhood. I would have walked my other dog as well, however he's a misanthropist dog, who tries to attack everyone. Strangely, he is also the biggest baby who tries to crawl onto your lap when you sit outside. At 10,000 steps I felt a vibration on my wrist which alarmed me for accomplishing my goal. I went to sleep having roughly 13,000 steps.