After Death Comes Life

Only few experience a loss so great, one that rips everything out and lets you figure out what's important. This will create a beautiful soul.

 I was too tired to eat, too tired to breathe, too tired to deal with all of the tragedies, but I was too scared to sleep.  Dark circles began to cradle my eyes, but each day I fooled myself to live this mundane life with my fractured smiles. People tell me to keep on moving but it’s so hard moving, because it aches without him. 

 The only person I wanted to cry about Nick’s death was Nick. I felt hopeless. I felt as if I was in a terrible nightmare. Nothing seemed real. I prayed to be woken up. I prayed for him to come back.

 My whole world was ripped apart it seemed. Everything I planned was now gone. My best friend was gone. 

I began to play the “what if” game in my thoughts. Once you let it in, it can consume you. I was not so much exhausted with the process of grief, but more about how busy my mind had become with everything but that.

 I would lie awake at night going over and over how, why, or what if. I became obsessed, convinced that if I worked out how, I could change that day, I could somehow bring him back.

Months passed and I felt as if I was forgetting Nick. I began to feel guilty for forgetting how his voice sounded and how his hugs felt. When I feel like this, I get sad without even knowing, then I will space out a lot because it feels like a nightmare all over. It’s the same exact feeling when I first find out that the guy I love died and when I had to sit through his funeral trying to tell myself that everything was going to be fine. Then I think about the nights when we would skate and eat burgers at Lotaburger or the times we would spend in front of my house, listening to music, and talking for hours. 

Instead of the pain decreasing, it was increasing. I wanted to be selfish. I did not want Nick to be heaven because I wanted him to be down here with me. My mom would return home to only see me crying on the front porch, then she noticed only how broken I was. She began to spend more days with me. That was when my healing began.

A couple months passed I was able to smile again and laugh. I began to notice how lucky I was to have a mother who loved me very much and who would cry with me. A mother who taught me to have peace within myself and with the world. My family continuously held my hand throughout my pain.

 I began to make new friends. Good people who are always keeping me out of trouble and who teach me to be kinder. They also know how difficult it is for me to be alone ever since I lost Nick, so they are constantly by my side.  

 I began to notice that everyone's life is a gift and should never be taken for granted. It’s hard to have peace with everyone but I try to be content with everyone. I began looking at them as people who have been hurt or are hurting. I became more selfless and more open hearted.

In accepting Nick’s death, I found peace and hope in my heart. Dealing with the loss of someone you love, it is good to practice stillness every day, become aware of your thoughts coming in and out. Allow yourself to be sad, but also allow yourself to be happy. It is the greatest gift you can give back to your loved one who is gone.