There’s a first for everything. I was introduced to hurt and sadness at a very early age. It’s common for a girl's first heart break to be by a boyfriend. However my first heart break, I wasn't aware of it during the time, but reminiscing my first heart break happened when I was nine months old.
At nine months, we are not aware of feelings but as I got older I put the puzzles together of why it is so hard for me to put my trust into others, but maybe it was because of the feeling of being abandoned by my biological father for 13 years.
When I was little, my mom had only one picture of my father. Very frequently I would peak at that picture and wonder what his name was and where he was at. When I began to get older I only looked at the picture when I accidentally encountered it, I began to feel hatred and anger for the first time. After years of studying this picture, I am certain I saw that guy at Romo’s, pain filled my heart because he did not recognize me, his own daughter who did not only inherit his genes but his last name as well.
How could someone hurt my mom like how he did? I first encountered loneliness when I would look into just look through my mom's eyes. I could see a broken person while she kissed us to sleep then after going to big bed just for herself to sleep in.
It wasn't until I was 13, when my mom introduced us to a coworker of hers. I remember the first time being introduced to James, I was angry and hurt. Why such strong negative feelings? I still don’t know how I was so selfish in that moment.
My mom told me recently a story of when she first introduced him to us, before she walked into the door she was nervous and asked him what if one her children doesn’t like him, and he replied, "it’s okay, I'll give them time." my mom knew us very well, she was only person we could cry to and be ourselves with. She was right about us not liking him. There were nights where I couldn’t stand his presence in our house.
I remember the night when I first began approving him. Ever since that night, he has always had our backs even to keep us out of trouble with our mom. People began calling him my father. I frequently got, "where is your dad?" or "here give this to your dad." during those times, the idea of having a dad was still fresh and strange.
As years processed, I never thought I would be a "daddy’s girl". James opened numerous doors of new things to me like mechanical work and construction. He is the person who takes care of my dogs while I'm at school.
It’s crazy to think about how he knows more about me than my biological dad ever will. He knows my favorite place to eat is Wendy’s and the type of music I prefer is "hippy music", his words.
Whenever I look in my mom’s eyes I now see happiness. When I say goodnight to her she is no longer sleeping in that same bed alone, and that makes my heart happy.
James is the first male I put my trust into. Because it takes a lot of courage for an individual to take care of someone else's kids as his own.
He has taught me that it is okay to trust people. Also that it is important to go through life being kind even if people doesn't treat you the same. The most important lesson he taught me is that the feeling of being unwanted is only temporary because you will mean the world to someone else.
I have been lucky to have both of my parents in my household for most of my years. Although just about two years ago my dad moved out for certain reasons, I cannot imagine being in the situation that you were put in. that is very messed up, especially if your mom is as cool as you are. People do things that we have not control of and we can just wonder why it is that they do such things. Thinking like that will only give you ulcers, I am glad to hear that you were able to take this man in and claim him as a family member. You deserve the best that there is out there, and I hope he is doing as such. This was a very well put together blog I can tell that you put time and emotion into it, you are right in the end. Emotions are only temporary.
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